July 28, 2009
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Colts Decide Against Training Camp
Tim Roberts
The Indianapolis Colts announced today that there would be no training camp prior to the 2009 football season. A Colts insider, who asked not to be identified, said the “Colts felt like they were in good enough shape and that each player was expected to study the playbook on their own.” The unidentified insider said the cost saving measure would only be in effect for this season.
The Colts insider said that team management acknowledged the Colts probably won’t be as good as in recent years due to the cutback but hoped they would be able to “pick up a handful of lucky wins and keep the fans from defecting in the short term.” Colts owner Jim Irsay was overheard saying, “We can wing it as well as anyone and since we don’t really follow an operations plan, we’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.”
New head Coach Jim Caldwell said the move was a good idea because most of the guys don’t really like to be in training anyway. “They feel like they’ve been playing football long enough and know what needs to be done. We don’t mind defaulting to their game plan as long as they promise to show up on game day.”
The Colts also acknowledged they won’t be keeping statistics this season. “The guys at the top of the list don’t mind them but the fellas who aren’t the superstars get embarrassed and prefer that the public doesn’t see them.” One starting Colts wide receiver was heard asking, “How can I enjoy my money if people are ridiculing me every time I drop a pass?”
It’s widely believed the Colts feel that ongoing reinforcement and training can’t really be measured and therefore isn’t cost effective. The team’s CFO thinks there are software programs available that could be more cost effective and would be one way to “eliminate the coaching staff.” Speculation swirled around the marketing department as well where it has long been held that branding and slick ads create a stronger message than play on the field. “We can create a perception of a championship team,” said a longtime mid-level staffer.
Peyton Manning, Jeff Saturday and other key veterans are rumored to be interviewing other teams without letting the Colts know. One mediocre veteran told friends, “It’s great to be comfortable again. The accountability was keeping me up at nights!”
Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll stop writing this piece because it’s absurd and sounds stupid. Yet there remain businesses who scrap the goals, dreams and business plan because their salespeople don’t feel like training.
Peyton Manning spends 30 hours practicing for every one hour in the game. You?
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